"Momma I'm Coming Home"

How To Annoy Your Mom   Tell her she ruined your life by making you move from California to Virginia after you graduated high school. Even though after six months you were old enough to move out on your own and could have moved back if you so chose.
 
Live at home.
 
Borrow money from her to buy your first car.
 
Stay up late some nights, talking to your friend on the phone. At midnight decide the two of you want to go to 7-11 for ice cream. When your Mom asks where you're going tell her. Then when she tells you not to, explain with sass that you're 18 and it's your car so you're going. Come home at 2:30.
 
Every time you date a cute boy, tell her he's "the one."
 
Borrow money from her for college.
 
Go into her closet every now and then and point at things you like. Say, "You don't wear this anymore, do you?" When she tells you you can't have it, point at something else and ask, "What about this?"
 
Forget to send in your application for insurance in January and don't remember until February. Then, a month before your insurance kicks in, need major surgery immediately that needs to be paid for out-of-pocket.
 
Borrow the money from your Mom.
 
When the carburetor goes out on your car, have your Mom follow you to the carburetor specialist…twenty miles away. They will have your car for two weeks and do nothing to it. Then ask your Mom to take you and your car to another shop where they have your car for another week and actually fix it. Borrow money from you Mom to pay for it.
 
(BONUS ANNOYANCE: Ask your sister if you can borrow her car while yours is in the shop since she commutes to work with your Mom anyway. Use it the entire three weeks your car is in the shop.)
 
While still owing your Mom money, buy a second car. A British one. One that needs to be restored. Keep it parked in front of her house. When your first car breaks down and you have it towed away, borrow money from her to get your second car running.
 
Move out of her house, finally. Then move back in after 6 months. Then move out in another month. Then come back in another 6 months...with a cat. Then stay for three more years.
 
(BONUS ANNOYANCE: Ask your siblings to help you move each time.)
 
When you're living out of state, take your car into the muffler shop to have them inspect a rattle that's been annoying you. The mechanic will tell you he fixed it cheap but while he was working on your car he noticed that one of your tires is almost worn through clean to the thread and that you should have it changed immediately to prevent a blowout. Go to the tire shop. Have them give you a new tire and align your car, the misalignment being what caused the problem. Call your Mom at work in another state and borrow the money to pay for it.
 
When you're living at home again, borrow money from your Mom again, when your car breaks down again. Ask her if she can drive you to the British car specialist…15 miles away. And if she could take you to work and pick you up each day until your car is ready.
 
After you've moved out ("for the last time" she says), call her at work with random questions that you could wait to call her with that evening after dinner. Ask her things like, "How do you make meatloaf?" or "What are you doing?" When she tells you she's working, sigh impatiently and tell her, "You're no fun."
 
Whenever you go to her house to visit, point at things you like such as a small marble-top table or an antique lamp and say, "You don't want that anymore, do you?" When she says you can't have it, point at something else and ask, "What about that?"
 
(BONUS ANNOYANCE: When your Mom tells you you can't have one of the two marble-top tables because they're promised to your sister, you can annoy your sister by asking her for one of the tables. When your sister says that she didn't even know there were two but you can't have either, say, "See, you didn't even know there were two. I could've taken one and you wouldn't have even known!")
 
Call your Mom at work and ask her if she needs to get her hair cut that weekend. When she says no, insist that she needs to get it cut. When she again tell you that no, she doesn't need a haircut, ask her, "Are you sure?" When she finally asks you what your problem is, confess that you wanted her to go to the stylist that weekend so you could go with her and get your hair done, too. Her treat.
 
She'll be annoyed. Trust me, I speak from experience.

A.R.M.
03/28/02