Let it Go

I almost bought him a Fall Guy lunchbox. Because I made the mistake of identifying a feeling incorrectly. I thought it to be one thing while it was really another. And the worst part is... I knew what I was feeling was not the "real" thing. I just wanted it to be, so I lied to myself. I said I knew what I was getting into and that I was capable of the actions and the consequences. But I wasn't. I just pretended I was. So I was left with this bitterness deep down inside that I had no one to blame for but myself. I couldn't even blame him because he was never misleading with his intentions. He didn't promise the moon and stars while only delivering a glass of warm Jack and Coke. No, I was the one that promised the moon and stars for him. I was the one who told myself, "Wouldn't it be nice if..." and turned that "what if" into this romantic whirlwind of hoping he'd call - all the while trying to ignore that not once did he ever ask for my number but hoping that he'd be resourceful and get it from one of the many friends we had in common.

Does that mean I am foolish? Was I too old to fall for an old trick like his? Was I just tired of being alone, tired of always seeking Mr. Right that I would settle in my weariness for a Mr. Okay For Now? What do you call it when you give yourself over to another all the while knowing he's not the one and feeling it in your heart but thinking in your mind that maybe your heart could get into it if you know, he got into it too, and blah blah blah. What do you call that? The knowing it's not, wishing it was, knowing it probably wouldn't ever be, ignoring that it's not, acknowledging that it's not, and still being upset that it turned out to be a big not when you knew all along it would never be anything more than a not? Denial? Denial of denial? Life? Is that just life? Is that one of the complexities of men and women?

That we tell ourselves a million conflicting things and hope that whichever conflicting thing we choose to believe that night will turn out to be the lesser of two evils? That the lesser of two evils turns out to be just thinking about buying him a Fall Guy lunchbox but not actually buying it? Because that would really suck. Because then I'd be stuck with a broken heart that's not really a broken heart because my heart never really got into it and a Fall Guy lunchbox that I would have no reason to have. And I'd just sit there thinking, "Lee Majors, you suck."

A.R.M.
10/16/01