[place holder] tic tacs

[place holder] #phoenixrising

Hello, is it me you're looking for?

I used to write.  All the time.  In high school and the years following, it was on paper.  Sometimes in fun ink colors like pink or aqua.  And then I got a computer and started typing.  One day I learned about blogs (though I think we called them "live journals" then?).  Over the years I've had various journals/blogs but somewhere along the way I started writing less and less.  Which is sad really, as I have always loved writing.  There has never really been anything preventing me from writing though - except myself.  But even then, it's not like I was telling myself NOT to write.

I just...didn't.

It's not that the thoughts aren't there, it's just that for some reason I stopped writing them down.  I stopped the clickety-clack of typing them online.

I don't know why.

But I miss it.

I miss writing.

I miss a lot of things about myself though.

I miss me.

That's who I'm looking for.

[untitled]

You are everything I wanted.
And everything I feared.

(Apparently I had drafted this in April 2016 but never published it.  I wonder why.)

nightmares

(first draft)

At night when I close my eyes to sleep

demons I thought were long ago buried deep

rise to the surface and cause me fright –

and I awake with shovel in hand at the morning light.

01/16/18

A.R.M.

 (revision)

At night when I lay me down and close my eyes to sleep,

demons arise that I thought were long ago buried deep.

They haunt me

and taunt me

and cause me such fright!

Then I awake at the ready, shovel in hand, at the dawn’s early light.

01/16/18

A.R.M.

Kick the Habit

I haven't done drugs before
-- so I don't know what addiction
or withdrawal feel like --
but I imagine it feels something like you.

A.R.M.
03/03/16

Cracked

I fell in love
but you didn't.
You fell off the pedestal
and my heart splintered.

A.R.M.
04/03/16

Ready, Set, Go

I knew right from the start
that you would never fall in love with me
and I tried to tell that to my heart
but it told me to shush and just let it be

A.R.M.
03/27/16

"Play it again, Sam"

Every song on the radio today
Breaks my heart as it sings your name
And I try so hard to push you away
But you sneak back in hidden ways

A.R.M.
03/11/16

Bon Appetit

My verses may feed your ego
with every heartbroken line
but these words are not for your consumption -
they are for my heart to heal
with time

A.R.M.
03/08/16

Farewell

Why do you want (or need) me in your life?

You have other friends.

You have other people to sleep with.

You know other cat sitters.

So why do you want me in your life?

What role could I possibly play that has not already been cast?

The only thing you are missing without me in your life…

is me.

The uniqueness of me.

My aqua eyes.

My freckles.

My smile.

My wit.

My conversation.

My shoulder to lean on.

My body fitting perfectly with yours.

My way of looking at you with my heart.

My affection.

My love.

But you don’t want (or need) someone to be in love with you.

And I cannot separate my friendship from my love.

Though I tried.

Why do you want (or need) me in your life?

Is it to feed your ego?

Because I am not here for that.

I deserve better.

And I know you know this.

So take leave.

Take flight.

Be gone.

You neither want nor need me in your life.

You have others.

But me?

I am only in love with you.

A.R.M.

03/07/16
03/11/16

Nothing Lost, Nothing Gained

Why are you crying?

I lost someone I am in love with.

Is he in love with you?

No.

Then why are you crying?

I lost a lover.

Was he sleeping with other people?

Yes.

Then why are you crying?

I lost a friend.

Was he a friend to you?

When it was convenient.

Then why are you crying?

I lost someone.

It doesn’t sound like you lost anybody worth keeping.

Then why does it hurt so much?

........

A.R.M.

03/07/16

Aftermath

I fell in love alone
I will fall out of it on my own
And I will heal my heart
with my own two hands
And time

A.R.M.
02/15/16

"Parting is such sweet sorrow"

While today is for my pain and sorrow
The loss will be yours when you miss me tomorrow.

A.R.M.
02/15/16

G'Nite

Now I lay me down to sleep
and close my eyes so tears won't seep.
I wish to dream of days gone by
as memories drip from shuttered eye -
for my heart loves you,
and my love runs deep,
despite knowing your heart
was never mine to keep.

A.R.M.
02/13/16

Inevitably

Like all the broken hearts of past
the pain of losing you won't last.
Eventually I will get over you
and move on with my heart.
I always do.

A.R.M.
01/26/16

Knock Knock

Should an eager heart come rapping at my front door,
I shall tell it with resignation, "Love does not live here anymore."

A.R.M.
11/29/15

Timber

I fell.

I fell hard.

And he wasn't there to catch me.

He couldn't be.

I knew he wouldn't be.

And I fell anyway.

A.R.M.
11/25/15

Psst...

The little voice that whispers your name
now pleads with me, "Walk away!"
Do I heed the warning and flee
or break my own heart and stay?

A.R.M.
10/18/15

Naked

I am who I am,
take it or leave it.
This is my heart -
break it or keep it.

A.R.M.
Oct. 2015